Man was always on time. Then he got married or more importantly had kids. He adopted his own mantra, “Lateness implies greatness”, because Man was tired of fighting with kids about being on time.
A couple of years ago, or 2 BC (Before Covid) as it is known in my house, Man had to attend a funeral of a distant relative who shared 7,3% of his bloodline. God rest her soul. Man hates funerals as much as the next man and try to avoid them because he ugly cries. Nearly all of the funerals he attended were about death and tragedy and crying and sadness. Things Man tries to avoid as much as possible. I say Man HAD to attend this specific funeral because his parents told him to do so. And being a kid of the eighties, that is the only reason you need. Man and Wife and Sister and Boyfriend were late and he was in a hurry to arrive at the church before the coffin left the building.
Man has not achieved the ability to travel through time, so he tried his best to make up some time. And to do so, he ignored the speed limit. A superhero in a brown uniform with a fluorescent vest jumped in front of the car. Man didn’t know where Captain I-can-stop-a-car-with-one-hand-because-I-am-stupid was hiding but he must have some really big cahoonas to jump in front of a speeding car the way he did. Man dropped a massive f-bomb and pulled to the side of the road.
The superhero strolled over with the eagerness of a dying snail. Man opened the window, cursing under his breath.
“Sir, do you know you were speeding? ” said Captain Ninkanpoop.
All four occupants of the vehicle was dressed in black and looked relatively solemn because we were on our way to a funeral. Man was wearing a pair of sunglasses because the African sun will blind any person for being arrogant enough to face it without one. Then the most brilliant idea since the discovery of the wheel and beer popped into his head.
“I am so sorry. I didn’t realise. We are on our way to a funeral of a very close family member,” Man said in a trembling voice. “Sorry if I sound a bit emotional,” his voice drenched in tears. “I was lost in thought and neglected to check my speed. I am truly sorry and under normal circumstances I’m a very cautious driver.” *insert sniff and extremely weepy voice “It is just a very difficult day for all of us.”
The grandmother of all awkward silences hanged in the air for about three minutes. Man added another sob for dramatic effect.
Eventually Captain What-do-I-do-now spoke again. “I am so sorry to hear that sir, please go on. Just make sure you drive a little slower. Your safety is our main concern.”
Man almost choked on the fake reply. The real problem was that Captain This-was-not-part-of-my-training was fooled by the tears of a grown man. He was certainly not going to sit and wait until Captain WTF had a change of mind, so they sped off. Not one of the four occupants said a word until Sister broke the silence sixty-eight seconds later.
“I didn’t realize you were so close to our aunt,” she said in a sympathetic voice.
“I’m not”, said Man and took his shades off. He turned to face his passengers, the audience to his brilliant performance. There was not one tear in sight. The eyes of Man was as clear as day and his mouth turned into an evil grin. It might not go down in history as his proudest moment because there is a special place in hell for those who make fun of the dead but that performance was worthy of an Oscar.
Even Wife was stunned with his acting ability and she is probably wondering what else he is faking now. Man could see the cogs and gears of her mind running in overdrive. As the car turned the corner, surprise and shock dissipated into thin air, leaving room for laughter to settle in very comfortably. Man had to compose the group as they got closer to the church because it would seem very strange for a party of four people to arrive late for a funeral, laughing hysterically.
Now Man needs to confess something else…
Man never flashed his boobs to get out of a fine but only because he does not have any.