“Age is just a number,” they say. “Age is all in the mind,” they say. “You are only as old as you feel,” they say. Well Man thinks they can go fuck themselves on a highway. They are walking around with their head up their ass because growing old is inevitable. It is a fact of life. Father Time goes slow but steady. Whether you want to believe it or not, that old bastard will creep up on you, jump and suck the life out of you like a facehugger.
Man had to learn this ugly truth the hard way, during his last summer vacation.
Man spends his annual vacation camping, which is basically paying a lot of money to live like a homeless person. In a surprise twist, he likes to take his family with him, all nicely handcuffed and packed in the boot. The family owns a caravan because living in a tent would imply that he is divorced. He is not. Setting up camp is a great way to increase the anxiety levels in Man, simply because it has to be done in a very specific way. His way. Camping sucks when the wind mistakes your tent for a kite and blows it into a neighbouring country. The resort has people who are more than happy to set up your campsite for the price of a small car but why would he pay someone if he has two in-house slaves working for free?
It is difficult to get them to do what you want because contrary to popular belief, teenagers have a mind of their own and they get slightly annoyed when tasked with things that keep them away from their phones. This process of keeping them off their phones and setting up camp damages the vocal cords of Man. Wife says he should improve his communication skills because he is basically just barking instructions. With the lack of enthusiasm displayed by the in-house slaves it is clear that they do not understand canine. Just so you know, an anxious Man, a mad Wife and two annoyed teenagers does not make for a happy camper. Man got tired of barking so during the last vacation he took out a second bond on his house and paid the resort to set up camp.
When Man was younger he blasted the great music of his generation without any consideration for loss of hearing or the objections of other people who lived in a three mile radius from his home. Science has proven that you become a better person every time you hear an eighties song. Depeche Mode, Erasure, Roxette and Transvision Vamp all begged to be listened at the highest volume your walkman or stereo sound system could allow. If not, they would ask for their money back. Fact. But loud music sounds better until it doesn’t anymore. The entertainment crew of the resort plays music on speakers that would make a rock band weep. The problem is that the DJ doesn’t shave yet so he is blasting some real atrocious shit over the airwaves. Rap and Kanye and bands who have acronyms for names. Subconsciously Man and Wife migrate to the furthest point from said speakers to find a quieter place where they can have critical conversations about life. Solving mysteries like how much wine is left and what’s for dinner, without having to scream at each other because we do that often enough.
Man normally likes to make an entrance into a pool whether it be diving, bombing or falling in drunk. He used to participate in every rigorous activity thrown to the guests by DJ Playshit and his crew which includes everything from volleyball to racing on a lilo. I say used to because since Man sprained his shoulder whilst trying to cross the pool on an inflated cylinder, he now prefers to float around like a fat hippo on a hot day. He turned out to be a very agitated hippo because of this one little piece of shit who jumps in the pool, then gets out, then jumps in again, then gets out again, then jumps in…You get the picture. All of this unnecessary activity happened within the boundaries of social distancing. Man turned to face the toddler on the fifth jump and before he could say, “for fuck sakes dickhead, get in or piss off!”, Wife gently guided him to calmer waters.
Henry Ford invented a car because he got tired of walking from his house to the pub. True story. Saving us from the same fate. If you opt to walk in summer, you sweat and that is not a good look on Man. Every time Man walked from the camp site to the pool, his fat cells were withering away, crying sweaty tears in agony. You see, there is a steep climb from point A to point B and seeing that Man doesn’t plan in scaling the seven peaks any time soon, it turned out to be a bit of a pain in the arse, hamstrings and calves. Man is a lot of things but a sadist is not one of them and out of pity for the genocide that was taking place in his own body, he decided to take his car and drive to the pool.
Back in the day life used to be much simpler. Our fast food selection was more limited, people had actual face-to-face conversations with one another, teenagers listened to decent music, the fucking Kardashians was not famous for doing nothing and Man could get out of a bed or a chair without his body making a weird noise. Even if it was for a good reason like getting a beer. The biggest mystery is that most of these noises are not just created by his joints, or his intestines, some of them spontaneously erupts from his mouth. Weird grunts and other extra-terrestrial sounds that Man was never able to produce before. He learned a new language overnight without even trying to.
And that is strike five. And that is enough.
Man is out. And old. er.