MAN HATES PASSWORDS

Man needs a mask before he can leave the house. He couldn’t get his car from the service station because he forgot his mask. The security guard didn’t want Man to enter the shop. Man wasn’t impressed because he could see his car through the window. The security guard was a real arse. He stayed calm, bit his lip, worked through the anxiety and was able to walk away without breaking a window or assaulting said security guard with a dustbin. He went back to the office, got the mask and returned for his car. Man is fed-up with masks. Not to mention the persistent sanitizing that is required everywhere. Some places are trying to cut costs so they have this disgusting brew of vinegar and snot that smells like the room of a 15 year old boy. Everyone is trying their best to avoid spreading the virus. It is a twisted version of hell but there is something worse.

Masks and cheap sanitizer doesn’t come close to the other invention of Satan that is also supposedly there to protect us from viruses, albeit the electronic kind. I’m talking about a fucking password.

Just like a mask in the real word, Man cannot get anywhere online without a password. If you want to buy stuff, read stuff, write stuff, post stuff, access stuff, play with stuff, order stuff, pay stuff or watch porn.  A password is even required if you just want to retrieve your own goddamn stuff.  You end up with a thousand different places all across the Internet where you are screwed if you forget the magic word, consisting of eight digits or more.

He doesn’t have a problem with the concept of a password because he’s not stupid. It is important to use protection at all times because it’s expensive to raise kids nowadays. Man just battle to understand how normal, non-Einstein folk, is supposed to remember all the different passwords required for daily functioning. Man sometimes forget the names of his children, not to mention a passwords used to subscribe to a website thirteen years ago. (It was an experimental phase, don’t judge him.) And don’t you dare write your passwords on a list or even worse, make the mistake of telling someone about it. You will be ostracized and treated like patient zero being diagnosed with a new deadly virus transferred to humans from a bat. (Too soon?)

Due to humans not using their full brain capacity, most people will pick one password for everything.  The one word that rules them all.  A word that grants the user freedom to roam around the Internet and do whatever you want. One word that cracks the Internet like a ripe zit, spewing credit card numbers, bank accounts, online shops and social media all over the bathroom mirror. And don’t worry if the password expires because you simply change the number at the end and you’re good to go.

Even if you are Captain America and you opt for two or three different words, because you now, that is what you are supposed to do and you tell everyone that is what you do and because you are a dick, chances are that those words will be in some way relatable to your person. The name of a bitch, or a lover, or a friend, or a mother, or a sinner, or a saint and you should not feel ashamed. Everyone does it. So if someone knows you really well, they’ll probably get very close to guessing your password or a portion of it. And if you really are Captain America and don’t agree with this statement…Bite me.

Man will now paint a picture. With words. Man cannot draw nice pictures with brushes and shit.

A fat, acne ridden dude who hasn’t washed his hair in three years sits in front of a laptop with seventeen screens around him. Another man stands behind him and is trying to keep a straight face and not puke all over the electronics because the stench of the rotten food on his desk is filling his soul. He gives Fatman important personal information of his ex because he wants to destroy the lives of her and the new fucking asshole she hangs around with now. Fatman tries a few words and then after a couple of seconds, WA-LAH! he gets in. The other man jumps up and down with excitement and hands Fatman a USB drive filled with photo-shopped images of his ex in precarious positions. He only needed the one word to destroy a life. (This is a fictional story and any relation to a person in real life is purely coincidental.)

Now is the time for the big reveal. Man is that man. No, not the guy with the ex because I already said that is a semi-fictional story. No, I’m not the hacker because Man is 47 and don’t have that much acne. He is also not the toy-boy because as stated before, Man is 47. Are you not listening? Man is more like the ex in the picture but without the boobs and stilettos. Did you know they don’t make stilettos in a size 12? Back to the point. Man is totally hackable. Any person with more than four brain cells and the ability to use a keyboard would probably be able to hack into his accounts after spending a couple of hours in his office. If he didn’t limit the amount of passwords he is using, then his daily interaction with technology would probably be something like this:

Please enter log in name:

manwritesstuff

Your password has expired.  Please enter new password:

mammoth

Your password requires a minimum of eight characters.  Please try again:

mammothtooth

Your password requires a capital letter.  Please try again:

Mammothtooth

Your password requires a numeric character. Please try again:

Mammothtooth 1

Your password doesn’t allow spaces. Please try again:

Mammothtooth1

Your password requires a symbol character.  Please try again:

Mammothtooth1!

Your password requires another capital letter. Please try again:

MAMMOTHTOOTH1?

Your password doesn’t allow subsequent capital letters.  Please try again:

PleaseTakeThisMammothTooth1!AndShoveItUpYourAssAndGiveMeFuckingAccessNow

That password is already in use.  Please try again:

Man throws laptop across room. Man leaves shattered pieces on floor. Man walks to bar. Man finishes three bottles of whisky.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s