MAN NEEDS FRIENDS

During a severe electric storm in the stone age, a lightning bolt hit a tree and started a fire. Man was trying to catch a small mammal and not die in the process, when he saw the bright light in the distance. He left the hunt because he still had some leftovers from a sabretooth kill he found next to a bush two days ago. Man didn’t know what the light was and being not-an-ape but not-yet-a-man-bun-wearing-man, he stood in awe of the flaming orange and red tongues licking the blue sky. Man uttered his first word: “FIRE”. Man was inquisitive. Man crept closer and stretched out his hand to, despite the heat, touch the thing he didn’t understand. Upon feeling the fire and burn, Man pulled his hand back quickly and uttered his second word: “FUCK!”

Man ran back to his cave and showed Woman his burnt fingers. She didn’t really notice or cared because she was still recovering from a headache after their date last night. The club he used was still nestled in the twigs and feathers of their nest/bed. Through grunts and wild gestures and poor stick figure drawings, Man tried his best to convey the excitement of his discovery. Woman rolled her eyes seventeen times (Man didn’t pick up on the signals because he couldn’t count) because she could not believe that Man would be so stupid to touch something foreign and dangerous. She then uttered the first word spoken by a female: “MEN”.

Man didn’t appreciate her lack of understanding and condescending tone. He wanted to have a great comeback but he didn’t have the words for it, so he did what any normal neanderthal would do in that situation, he ran to his neighbour’s cave. Without language he convinced Neighbour to go back with him to the burning tree. Neighbour couldn’t believe what he saw and just like Man, he also wanted to touch the flame. Neighbour then uttered the exact same second word spoken by Man. Man reacted by laughing hysterically, which triggered Neighbour to laugh as well and very soon both of them were rolling in the dirt, laughing and pointing to the fire with burned fingers. And that is how Man and Neighbour became friends. This first recorded bromance in human history.

From then on the two men were inseparable. They started hunting together, used sticks to hit round rocks into holes and drank fruit juice that stood in the sun for a week. The story of their bromance spread throughout the valley and more men wanted to join their group, wanting what they have. The group grew quickly and stuck together like shit to fur. It is also the true story of how friendship originated. Man and Friends started hunting together and was able to kill a mammoth for the first time. It not only fed all of their families but the fur and skin made Woman go crazy. She immediately started working on clothes that would cover more than tits and other important areas. Sleeves and collars were invented as a result of Man and Friends.

Man and Friends didn’t talk much. They didn’t have to. Fuck became a staple word and was used in many different ways. Man and Friends only needed a gesture or a look or a punch in the gut to convey a message. Man loved his Friends. It was great to be in a group where they can all just have fun and do stupid stuff and laugh when someone dies in a tarpit or falls of a cliff or gets trampled during a mammoth hunt. On more than one occasion two or more of the group would get in an argument and a massive fight would break out. It was called cave-fighting and there were no rules. Most of the other friends would sit down and snack on some raw meat, sliced in small strips and cheer for their favourite fighter. There would always be someone who would sit on the side and think they can do a better job than two men fighting. It was the birth of sport.

Woman, on the other hand, never understood the mind of Man and why he would enjoy spending time with Friends so much. She stayed at the cave and spend her days sorting berries, slicing meat, constructing fur dresses and making sure that the leash tied around her brats remain in tact. She got tired of spending time alone. Eventually other women started to feel the same, so they formed a click. The Click got together often and would spend their time drinking leaves soaked in water and eating mammoth liver cakes, normally in an orchid of berry trees. Woman and the Click didn’t understand the weird pleasure Man derived from saying nothing and doing stupid stuff with other men, so their vocabulary expanded quickly. They discussed the role of women in stone-society and all of them felt that they could also kill a Mammoth and would probably be better at it than the men. It is interesting to note that modern women still use a lot more words than the average man.

Man needs friends for the same reasons today. Science has not been able to give a plausible explanation for this phenomenon. Women are complex, beautiful, exquisite creatures who shouldn’t waste their precious time to try and understand the simple minds of Man. Maybe we like to get together because it’s a time where we get rid of stress. Maybe it’s an escape from society’s expectation of what we need to be. Maybe it’s an environment that strips us of any responsibility whatsoever. A comfortable space where we can be a younger, more primal version of ourselves without judgement.

Or maybe it’s as simple as having a place to laugh at each other and say fire and fuck every now and then.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s